Goodbye.

Recently, I've been going through some stuff and lately I have been missing my old self. You could call it, 'Pre brush with death Mika.' As you know, I struggle with my new face sometimes. And that is totally fine as long as I don't dwell on it but there are days where I feel like I have lost an old friend. One that was there all during my childhood and adolescent years and helped me shape myself. In a way, when I was murdered, she died too and left me to rediscover myself. Trials and hardships are difficult. Obviously. They test you in such a way that sometimes, you change yourself so you can adapt and survive. I feel like not only has my appearance changed, but my personality as well. Most days, I feel like a crotchety 80 year old woman who brandishes her cane at 'young hoodlums' and mutters, "I'm too old for this sh*t" and "Back in my day, we were spanked and not rewarded if we were being disobedient!" and definitely, "I've paid my dues!" I have seen so much in my tiny life that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd almost be relieved. Its a hard life man!

 

I do sit and wonder sometimes how life would have turned out if I hadn't walked down that river trail. What would I be doing? Who would I be? I don't usually mind the new Mika. She is a little more emotional than the old one and slightly more difficult but all in all she gets the job done and is overall a good person. It has been over four years and I'm still getting used to the change.

 

I'm not very sure about where I wanted to go with this post. I think this is more of a 'what Mika feels' post instead of a tutorial or a 'real life talk.' And it is my blog so I can totally do that. There is a very good chance that this post is just for me. Hopefully someone somewhere will find something that relates to them here.  Who knows, maybe I'm just insane. Either way, if you feel like this know that there is hope and things will get better. You will figure out how to love yourself again.