Hello everyone! You may or may not remember me, I'm the mysterious Kaeli that disappeared from the blog for two years. But, I'm back and at least some what adjusted to life outside of the Arizona Tempe Mission. I must admit, I'm glad to have my skinny jeans and a car rather than my bike and skirts everyday. And the fact that I will probably NEVER see 122 degrees outside in Utah is also a relief. But I do miss the people, the sunsets and the fact that I spent all my time helping other people and not having to worry about myself. Mostly. I definitely haven't completely killed the selfish and pride bugs yet.
Anyways, coming home after 18 months was different than I expected it to be. Somewhat to my surprise, Cedar City is still the same little town it use to be, and yet as much as it felt like everything was the same, things are different too. I am different, my friends are different and even the Shaved Ice stands are different! ;) At first the excitement of being home and seeing everyone and everything again made things easy. But eventually reality hit and I knew I had to start moving on with my life. But how? I came home in the middle of the semester and so many of my friends were married or moved away or had kind of moved on with their lives. I found that I had come home a different shaped puzzle piece than I had left, and the other puzzle pieces had all changed too. But here I was trying to put myself back in the same place, kind of like when you try to force the wrong piece somewhere where it doesn't quite fit.
I found it a lot easier to try be around people I already knew, but I expected those relationships to be the same as they use to. But the fact is that they just couldn't be, because even though we're all the same people still, time and experiences had slowly brought about subtle differences that meant things would never really be the same. This wasn't a bad thing, but it scared me. I got a job, to keep myself busy but I wasn't getting enough hours, so I found a second job. Still, so much seemed to be missing from my life. So I sunk into a routine. I would work, hang out with one of my old friends and when I was alone I would text another old friend. After having had a constant companion for 18 months I got very bored with being alone. Talking with these two friends felt like I was filling some of the void, but at the end of the day no matter what I did, or how packed my schedule was, I felt like I had accomplished nothing. My friends didn't understand what was upsetting me and rather than being understanding and supportive they started to tell me I was too different or that there was something wrong with me. And to some degree those things were true, I had changed and I was struggling with the adjustment in ways that even I didn't really understand. I just knew that I hated being alone and what I wanted more than anything was to pack up and go back to my mission, where I didn't have to worry about my own life.
What I eventually came to realize was that, I had tried to put myself back into situations that were comfortable, but I wasn't happy. Whether or not my friends were treating me well wasn't so much the issue as the fact that I wasn't progressing the way that I wanted to. It wasn't that my friends were bad people, or that we didn't like or care about each other anymore, but many of my goals and perspectives had changed or become more definite. I needed to be around people who shared those same goals and who could support me in reaching them. I've never been good at letting go of people in my life. But I finally realized it didn't mean that I didn't love them or want them in my life anymore, it just meant that things had changed, and if I wanted to move forward I needed to accept that. I couldn't be angry at myself or feel like a bad person for moving on, I just had to accept that it was time and it was best for everyone. It was hard. It still is. I miss those people, and I want them in my life but right now is time to start putting all the pieces together in a way that they fit again, after all the change. There will be new pieces and old pieces and moved pieces and maybe there will be a few pieces that have to be thrown away. But it's going to be okay, because eventually that beautiful picture will be visible.
My point in all this is that you build your puzzle, and if the pieces aren't fitting, you can't force them. It isn't a bad thing, it just means things are changing and there can be no progress without that change. Don't waste your time trying to force your piece back into relationships that don't fit, it only hurts. It doesn't mean you have to throw the pieces away, but maybe it's time to rearrange the puzzle. You will do the most good in the place where you fit, and where you can continue to build and grow. Love yourself, trust yourself and remember to step back and enjoy the beautiful picture you are making.
-Kaeli
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